Marriage is great if you actually like them

The real hero doesn’t even have a username

If he buys a ticket, you cancel

That’s why they don’t land on rainbows

nothing says “I love you” like avoiding casualties!

Usually, mine are in a chaotic circle

raising a very empathetic little assistant

Yay, my coffee addiction finally has a purpose!

“And Team Canada is currently taking a nap”

“Hoo You Looking At?”

Sleep hygiene means calling backup when necessary

The only acceptable reason to answer a phone

Four thousand dollars well spent right there

That’s the face of twenty broken spirits

Everything is a metaphor if you’re bored enough

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