Do not leave children unattended at Whole Foods.

this tweet about fire departments feels pretty on point

Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?

this is why i just buy new clothes when all my old ones are dirty

write the next line of this story

up? down? sideways

you were the chosen one. you were supposed to bring balance to your teeth, not ruin them!

just one?

and they told me the perfect husband doesn’t exist

owen has been keeping your cookie warm. of course you can trust owen

the journey to the final boss therapist is worth it if you’re competitive

It’s a love/hate relationship with my bank account

you will pay for your betrayal

undeniable facts about kevin lasagna

Nothing out of the ordinary here, just viggo mortensen and a horse eating breakfast together

how not to tell someone their std test results